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the best way to spend the next 3 years
02.10.04 10:32 pm

ya its been a while scince i have been on shut up and listen

i have decided to go back to public school, i realized staying home by myself all day with my dogs isnt the best way to spend the next 3 years.

now that ashley is gone once again i am bored out of my mind and lonely.i hang out with ingrid alot once again and its nice to be giggly and be a girly girl lol we are going to this pro scout thing tomorrow night, she said i should go just to see if anything happenes. they corall everyone in a room like sheep and only pick the pretty ones to be models or what not. i am just going because ingrid wants to i know nothing is going to happen for me but i guess it is worth a shot.

valentines day is comming up... and i am alone, i have only had one good valentines day in my entire life and that was last year with wesley becca and marty and i dont think anything could measure up. i went and visited wesley at the cemetary last month, they havnt put his name on the grave yet... its been 4 months i figured it would be on there by now but its not. i realy should go visit his parents but it just brings back the memories and it hurts i just wish i had the time back, i would do alot of things differently but thats the way things happened and its how god intended it to be. im waiting for the day that i get over this but every day that goes by i think of him and i hope i always do because i owe him alot, he did so much for me, so much that he didnt even know, and i didnt even know up until now.i cant wait to get my tatoo of the dream catcher he made me... then i know i will never forget and remember everytime i look in the mirror, and i will smile not cry...

my dads buisness is going well, i want to believe him about all this money we will have soon but this is what he said the last time, and now nothing has changed, i feel as if we are going to live in this dump forever. and i feel like i will never be who i want to be, and that scares me. there is so much i want out of life and i only have a little bit of time to do it in, i am not afraid of death but i am afraid of not being able to acomplish the goals that i set for myself.

me and ingrid have been talking about our relationships with guys, or lack there of... its different when you look at someone who has the same problem as you.. its like wow this is exactly what i do and it makes me think that maybe i am just better off alone...i know that i am only a teenager and i have a while to go, but i hate being alone, i dont need to be with a guy to be happy but i do need some form of affection and sometimes i just look for it in the wrong places and wind up with the wrong i figure that the only way for me to be happy right now is focus on my school and my grades and maybe somthing will come along and bite me in the ass... not literaly of corse... but you get it.

anyways thanks for listening to me bitch and moan....

till next time...

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listening to: the sound of my typing

feeling: fat and alone...depressed

doing: thinking too much